Off The Path. Into The Open Field.

The lack of clear direction in my life is a pain that I'm becoming more comfortable with.

I once had much clearer narratives for my life.  I wanted to go to graduate school, most likely for military history.  I had an idea that my education in history would lead me to be a philosopher of sorts, specializing in Clausewitz, Collingwood, and other people that I still love to think about.

I had a plan.  I had a path to walk.

Tonight someone said to me, 'How interesting that you've stepped off that path, and into the open field, to find out what it's really all about.'

What life is all about, they meant.

Because life isn't only about the academy.  It's about living.

This metaphor of off the path and into the open field sounded really good to me.  She admitted she was borrowing from a group of poets who advocated 'open field' poetry.  Something to do with form and structure.  She couldn't recall it entirely.

I'm trying to live a less predictive life.  I'm try to not force a narrative.  I still find myself coming up with narratives, and hoping that they will work out.  But it doesn't seem to work very well.

More than ever, I'm giving in to how I feel.  I'm learning to feel more clearly.

It's strange.

Trusting yourself is strange.

Accepting tautology is strange.  But I've accepted two.  It is what it is, and, This is what I have to do because this is what I have to do.

Confident, self-reliant action.  Self-knowledge, self-trust.

All this is so vague, right?  So incomprehensible.

So important in the world of practice and so vague in the world of ideas.

I'm trying to learn the practice.

I'm not sure if I want or need to get around to the ideas.