Withdrawing, Writing, Wreading

I feel myself stepping back from my social world. Temporarily, of course.

I also feel myself stepping towards thinking and writing. I don't know what to write, though.

I don't understand poetry enough to really write it unless it just pops into my head. I'll get fixated on a word of a phrase or an image and I'll just run with it. But I don't have any of those words or images right now.

I don't know that I can write about philosophy right now, because I'm not reading that much philosophy.

I don't want to write about history. I'm very slowly beginning a new book, America's Army: Making the All-Volunteer Force. Beth Bailey. Historian at Temple. Obviously very smart. The book is well written and addresses some interesting questions with good frames.

I read about half of a novel, Miss Me When I'm Gone, by some dude. Philip something. It didn't hold my attention. I dunno why.

I'm just not sure where to direct my mental energy.

Frankly, I think I need to direct my energy at understand why graduate school is so confusing and why I can't seem to muster the energy to study for the GRE or take preparation seriously.

I think I need to work on understanding myself and my resistance to the plan I had set for myself.

It doesn't feel right.

It is too wrapped up with other ideas.

Hmph.

I've got this forever alone narrative and graduate school is a part of it. I'm a lonely person and I fear that I'll become a lonely scholar. Always reading and writing, never to be read or loved.