I Long For God.

I was raised somewhere between agnosticism and aggressive atheism. I am at home with both of these ways of thinking.

But in my heart I long for some conception of god.

Not a god like the Christian god.

Not a god like some sentient being that controls everything and has some awesome plan.

A god like the force, like chi, or like Reiki.

Because I am indeed Reiki trained.

I suspect there are things going on in the world beyond the material.

I believe in matter.

But I suspect the existence of other things.

This is all wild speculation. But I have very little tolerance for hardline atheists.

Atheism simply will not do.

Plus, I love the way Rilke speaks of god.

I share with you:

 In The Book of Hours Rilke writes:

"What will you do, God, when I die?
I am your jug (and I will shatter)
I am your drink (and I'll go bad)
I am your clothing and your calling,
you'll lose all reason, losing me.

With me gone, you'll have no house
where warm words will welcome you.
Without me, you'll have no sandals:
your exhausted feet will wander bare.

Your mighty cloak will fall away.
Your gaze, which my cheek took in
soft and warm, like a pillow,
will arrive here, look, search long–
and finally at the end of sunset
lie down in the lap of alien stones.

What will you do, God? I'm afraid."

Oh fucking christ...

This poem moves me so deeply and I don't understand why.

Partly because I feel like a universe in myself.

What will the world do without me?

Don't you know that I am the keeper and bringer of all these riches and pains?

Don't you know that the world's depths reside within me?

Don't you see that without me the universe would have no way to know itself?

I don't really long for God.

But I might.