Saturday, April 30, 2011

Moonlight

Daylight.

There is plenty of daylight today. I just took a walk. I like to wander and look at the people and think about where they are going and what they are doing.

I wanted to find new views from different steps. I found them.

Stairs that were curvy and fun for me to look at and move on. They took me to a street with a man enjoying himself. He, too, was being active with stairs. But he was able to play soccer with himself in a way that I wasn't. Now I've just become disoriented. I've lost direction.

Windows open, screens protecting me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

This Pen This Life This Screen This Paper

Oh this red in front of me
Feels like a different one.
A different pace for me
And my different times.

A new moment appears to be here,
A change that cracked something
While I wasn't listening to myself.
Whip crack, all of that.

A trite explosion without direction
An attempt to set out alone
An attempt to enact
Rage without the aftershocks.

Rend this? Rend what?
The usual being rent again
That mirror dance taking me
Somewhere I've never cried before.

Waffling again between
This dull red pad and this
Multi-colored glowing world.
Pull me in again, please.

Leave me alone again, please.
I've been the one asking
For all of this and yet
I've never trusted any of it.

Does this bother you?
It shouldn't.
It isn't anything.

R&B And Ideological Inconsistency

When I first began this blog I remember telling myself that perhaps sometimes I would review albums on this blog. Write about music that I like. But as it turns out, I have written almost exclusively about personal issues and philosophical issues. Sure, different types of personal and philosophical issues. But my writing doesn't always branch out THAT much. I briefly attempted to write something like poetry, and attempted to write a few things like short stories or vignettes, but that never much worked out.

But tonight as I was cooking myself dinner I had some thoughts about music. I was listening to The-Dream and so naturally I was thinking about R&B music a little bit.

I'll come right out and say it: I love R&B. I also really like some more rap stuff.

I love The-Dream, R. Kelly, Young Jeezy, Kanye West. I like Drake, Lil Wayne, and Lil B. I kinda like Rick Ross. I like what I have heard of Tyler, The Creator (Sorry I haven't listened more Rob).

It is a lot of fun. I enjoy the beats. I enjoy the vocal style. It is just a different type of music and I can't help but like it.

I remember in November 2009 I was standing at my College Park house on Erie Street and The-Dream's 'Mr. Yeah' was playing. I stopped and I said, 'what is this? this is really good'. I didn't even have to make an effort to like The-Dream. I liked it the first time I ever heard it.

Then I started to understand dancing. I didn't understand dancing for the longest time. I didn't want to do it. I just 'didn't know how'. I suppose I still don't 'understand' it. But that is the point. It isn't about words. It is just about moving because the music feels good. And man did R&B help me understand that. You just have to move. You just have to enjoy yourself and express yourself. I suppose in the last few years I've become more and more open to all different kinds of expression, and so dancing is a good one to be comfortable with.

In short, I can't help but feel really good about dancing to R&B and the way it makes me feel.

There is one major problem, however. The lyrical content is typically morally reprehensible. Rap and R&B are loaded with terrible sexism, money-worship, violence, et cetera. But what to do? How am I to deal with this fact? I like this music a great deal, yet completely disagree with its explicit content and message.

A big issue. I guess I can call this an ideological inconsistency. I am using the word ideological in a very imprecise way. It wouldn't be appropriate to call it an intellectual inconsistency because the problem goes deeper than the intellect. My love of R&B isn't governed by some intellectual apprehension of it. It is guided by my emotional response to it, by the sounds and the singing. But when I register it on an intellectual level I can't help but feel troubled. The real tension is between my emotions and my intellect(ual emotions). when I refer to 'the ideological' element of this I am thinking of ideology as something that encompasses both my intellect and my emotions. My emotional and intuitive reactions are conditioned by ideology just as much as my intellectual reactions are. So there is some kind of inconsistency between the 'ideology' that is structuring my emotional reactions and my intellectual reactions. Or maybe my emotions aren't guided by ideology as much as I'm supposing they are. Because I definitely think of my emotions as being structured by social and ideological factors. I'm thinking about status functions and the way I respond emotionally to them.

Eh. I feel like there are deeper problems to think about here. I need to think about this notion of ideology and how it applies to status functions. I need to think about this idea of inconsistency in my own mind.

I know that when I started this writing I had questions about inconsistency, how I could contain these types of inconsistencies within me. Ummm. I'm not sure. What are the levels at which these inconsistencies exist? How can I talk about them? Think about them? Eh.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sometimes, Again

Sometimes trivia is really hard.

We lost because the questions were super hard and we didn't know the answers.

Sometimes I'm terribly tired and disoriented in the most superficial ways.

My life isn't this confusing mess.

It is this privileged little world.

I do what I want.

I spend recklessly and get emotionally worked up about books and my access to them.

But I still care about a lot of things. I still feel a lot of emotions.

It isn't hard to be Riley. But it is emotional being Riley.

I'm trying to relax this week.

Relax mentally.

But mental relaxation seems to come along with an emotional tension.

I'm worked up.

But I'll settle.

It just seems like this winter is never ending.

It is almost May and it is still cold when I wake up.

It won't get out of the 60's this week.

Moving is really hard.

Leases. Places. Cars. Transportation. Jobs.

Freedom seems to be such a difficult thing to think about in its actual social reality of money and all these other damned status functions.

There is a very real language that stands between me and absolute autonomy and freedom.

What a joke, anyways. That reductive idea of freedom and all that. Choice. Rationality. As if it were that simple.

What an explosive head I feel like I have. I'm just so frazzled.

So unable to collect my thoughts.

I badly wanted to get a copy of Deleuze's Difference And Repetition.

Not that I would read it anytime soon.

My head is way too fuzzy to read anything that heavy right now.

But I wanted to get it because I think it will be absolutely crucial reading for me in the future.

But when I ordered it from my work what they ended up getting was the reader's guide to the book.

It showed up at work and I was like 'This isn't the book! This is the reader's guide! What?!'

I was just confused, and a little let down. I wanted the book. I wanted to hold it in my hands.

Just like I want Speculum Mentis and The New Leviathan. Perhaps I will just get all three of those books for my birthday.

I am lost lost lost.

Having fun fun fun.

Feeling confused confused confused.

Wondering how in the world I'll ever make it as some sort of thinker/writer.

I have a passion for reading, thinking and writing.

But I don't know how it will ever take me somewhere.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Ooof, My Mind

I'm quite tired. Mentally. I feel tired mentally.

I feel like I want to take a break from really intense reading and writing. I have been going really consistently with my reading and writing for quite a while now.

I think I should probably read some fiction. Read some poetry or something.

I've been reading so much nonfiction for the last year. So much philosophy.

I've been writing so much. Since last year I've produced so much writing.

Sometimes I wonder about my output. How much I am producing quality writing. The quantity of my writing is clear. But the quality is not clear. I wonder.

But since I finished Zizek's In Defense Of Lost Causes I have felt intellectually strained, tired. It is just fascinating and troubling to encounter a book that is in many ways beyond my immediate comprehension. I think if I studied the book, when I study the book, I'll be able to grasp what is going on with more nuance. But it is just amazing to look at books that are so difficult so strange.

This AZI project has been so taxing, too. I have produced a whole lot of writing since September. One writing project, just for fun. No plans to even attempt to publish it. That would be silly. It is just an enormous amount of writing that I have done for myself. As an exploration, as an exercise. But part of me wonders if I should just be reading seriously and not writing so much.

The relationship between my reading and my writing is quite strange.

I write so that I can understand what I read and what I think.

I don't write because I understand things.

I write because I want to understand things.

Derp.

Right now I'm reading a book called Foucault On Freedom. Johanna Oksala is the author. I am pleased to be reading about Foucault, and to find her analysis of Foucault to be substantial. She definitely is arguing things about Foucault that I have felt, have talked about, but haven't been able to put the same way that she is.

I feel like Zizek's book in many ways is against the type of work that Foucault was doing. Zizek is looking for bigger, stronger thought. Less about the resistance of individual minds and bodies and more about radical emancipatory politics.

I just feel my thoughts spread too thin right now.

I need to give myself a breather.

I need to relax mentally.

I should read a novel.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Habit

Over the last few months my mind has regularly returned to the issue of habit. By habit I mean all those thoughts and behaviors that we reflexively experience and perform. It is about assumptions, about reflexes, about the things that we do without thinking about doing them.

When I think about habits I don't think of them in terms of something that is natural or essential. I think of them as patterns of thought and behavior that we learn from our experiences.

I can't recall precisely when I first became concerned with the issue of habit. I know that in March of 2010 I was doing writing about 'default behavior' or 'the problem of autopilot'. All of those issues that I was writing about then I now think about in terms of habit.

I know that I became concerned with the word habit when I started reading Collingwood's The Principles Of Art, mainly because Collingwood talks about how artistic expression leaves a deposit of habits in us. If we express certain things, or make an effort to express in certain ways, we will be more likely to express those things or that way in the future.

At the beginning of last year, when I was really beginning to delve seriously into philosophy, I was seriously trying to modify and craft my own behavior. I knew I didn't want to be certain ways. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to be aggressive. I didn't want to be sad. And I still don't want to be those things, and I try hard not to be. But sometimes I am. I wonder how good of a job I've done crafting myself through my philosophical work. It remains an ongoing project, as I concluded recently.

I guess I can even trace my interest in habit back to my experience in the Clausewitz seminar. Clausewitz's primary concern is the education of intuitive decision making. He wants to train people to unconsciously think in certain ways and to make certain decisions. At its core, what he wants to do is to train commanders to have certain habits of thought and action. But, paradoxically, he also wants to make people creative and not bound to habits. This reminds me of a question I asked a friend: is it possible to make a habit of breaking habit? And I think the answer has to be yes. You can instill in yourself a habit of breaking with habits. Just as mindfulness can be a mental model of reality, you can have a habit of breaking with habits. Sounds paradoxical, but I think it makes sense. So, even though I didn't use those terms then, I think the issue of habit is definitely implicated in Clausewitz's work.

A minute ago I stubbed my to on this chair. This chair that I am sitting on in my bedroom. Ouch. I immediately said 'ahhhhhh owwwww' and bent over and checked it out and stuff. Then I thought about how perhaps I could control that pain with my mind, focus on it less. Then I noticed it was bleeding almost immediately. So that perhaps is an instance of a habit that is natural, to say ow or something. But perhaps that is also learned in some ways.

The issue of habit then started cropping up in Zizek's writing. He touches on habit for a bit in Violence and then briefly discusses it in In Defense Of Lost Causes. For Zizek habit is a fundamental part of living in any society. For him, habits are "the complex network of informal rules which tells us how we are to relate to explicit norms.... These informal rules make up the domain of habit. To know the habits of a society is to know the meta-rules of how to apply its explicit norms: when to use them or not use them; when to violate them; when not to use a choice which is offered;...." (Violence, 158). Zizek then explains how habits have political implications. He says that "The problem of the chaotic post-Soviet years of Yeltsin rule in Russia can be located at this level" although the legal rules were known and largely the same as under the Soviet Union, what disintegrated was the complex network of implicit, unwritten rules which sustained the entire social edifice" (160).

Habit also belongs in the domain of empty social gestures. When we say 'hey how are you?' or 'oh so nice to see you!', we don't necessarily mean these things, but we have been conditioned by habit to say them. But that doesn't mean that we should reject these things as useless or stupid. On the contrary, these things should be embraced as the necessary space in which our freedom can be actualized. Or, as Zizek puts it, "Belong to a society involves a paradoxical point at which each of us is ordered freely to embrace and make of it our own choice what is, in any case, imposed on us" (161). Without these informal and empty symbols we would be at a loss as to how to interact with one another. Without them we would lapse into a completely atonal world.

Without the existence of social habits, furthermore, we wouldn't even be able to maintain a consistent identity. "Habits are the very stuff our identities are made of. In them, we enact and thus define what we effectively are as social beings, often in contrast with our perception of what we are" (164). Zizek then quotes Orwell's thoughts on identity, habits, and politics. He says that those who speak out against class distinctions are in reality not willing to take the necessary steps to abolish class distinction. "It is easy for me to say that I want to get rid of class-distinctions, but nearly everything I think and do is a result of class-distinctions [...] I have got to alter myself so completely that at the end I should hardly be recognisable as the same person" (165).

Thus, on a couple levels, the personal, the social, the political, habit is a serious issue. I'll have to do a lot more reading into it.

Over the last two days I have been reading Zizek's essay 'Madness and Habit in German Idealism'. The focus of the essay is on Hegel and his work on habit. Frankly, I find the entire article to be completely confusing. I really just don't understand so much of what is going on. One thing I almost grasp, though, is that habit seems to be a positive force in some ways, an ally for personal change. He says that there is tension between madness and habit for some reason. That our mindless/habitual behavior is a problem because it seems to negate our conception of freedom. Zizek says that there is often a tension between how we act in front of people and how we really perceive ourselves. I don't know how to put this clearly. But then he says, "Habit provides the way out of this predicament – how? Not "true expression," but by putting the truth in "mindless" expression: Hegel’s constant motif, truth is in what you SAY, not in what you MEAN to say." So what does this mean? How do I deal with this? As I said, I don't grasp the article. Hegel seems intensely difficult. Zizek is already difficult. So Zizek writing on Hegel is pretty tough going.

But one thing does seem obvious: habit is framed as a way that we can align our reliance on unreflective behavior and our desire to be true to ourselves and our feelings. We can imbue our habits with what we think of as the true stuff of our hearts. We can make a habit of being genuinely expressive. Or something like that.

In Part III.3 of AZI, and in some older essays, I talked at some length about the purposeful creation of habits. I talked about 'densifying the content of our intuitive actions', by which I meant that we can create habits for ourselves that reflect the depth of our thought and feelings.

I don't know where this leaves me. I need to find out how to read about habits. Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics apparently contains stuff on the issue. Foucault discusses it implicitly. I don't know. Seems like an important issue.

Seems like culture is the stuff of our habits. Seems like politics is buttressed by culture. Seems like creating good political systems might rest on the purposeful creation of culture. Seems like politics thus in some ways would rest on the purposeful creation of habits. That would line up with Clausewitz's ideas in some way. Ummmmm.

This issue of habit is no small business. It seems to matter on quite a lot of levels.

What are my habits? Sometimes I think I am out of touch with them. Out of touch with how I feel about things, how i unconsciously react to things. Who knows. But I do retain my conviction that habit is an important issue to parse. I just don't really know how to do it.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Torn

I feel torn about what direction I want to take my writing in. Part IV.2, .3, and .4 are waiting in a word document for me. I'll have to write those at some point. But the bigger problem is that I feel the urge to take a detour, write something else.

The thing I'm contemplating writing has to do with Zizek's notion of retroactive freedom, Deleuze's work on repetition, virtuality, and the new, and how all of potentially relates to Collingwood's notion of reenactment and Clausewitz's work. I think that Zizek and Deleuze might be implicitly embracing the type of historical thinking that I'm talking about, and that I might be able to link them with the idea of synthetic experience. It is a very half baked idea, and unfortunately one that would require to take my reading in different directions. I would have to read Deleuze (which is immanent anyways because I have Difference and Repetition on order and I'm excited to get my hands on it), I'd have to revisit Collingwood (which I'm doing anyways), I'd have to think more seriously about Zizek (which I'm doing anyways).

Perhaps the most significant change, however, would be in what I am thinking about on a daily basis. I've found that I'm most able to make progress on AZI when I am thinking about the next section casually throughout the day. I ruminate and mull over the next section and suddenly I have all different kinds of ideas about what to write and how to write it.

I always find that really interesting. Since 2007, since the Clausewitz seminar, and since I read Claxton, I've been fascinated by slow and day-dreamy thought. It does quite a lot of things I think. Thinking slowly. Thinking playfully, just letting things happen.

Waiting, son. Waiting.

Pretty funny stuff.

So that is what is at stake in taking a writing detour. I will have to change the daydreams I have.

Do I daydream about the relationship between politics and culture (as AZI demands)?

Or do I daydream about history, reenactment, Zizek, and Deleuze demand?

I think I should stick with AZI. Mainly because I haven't read enough to productively daydream about these other issues. Once I read Deleuze, once I skim Zizek more thoroughly, I'll be in a better position to think casually about that stuff, work towards new ideas.

I told myself a few months ago that when I finished AZI I'd like to take my reading in a more historical direction. That I'd like to read more history proper, read more philosophy of history. My reading has been so philosophical for the last year or two. I have a history degree, god dammit. I should be reading that stuff.

My intellect knows how important history, I feel in on some level. But for some reason my emotions and my whims steer me towards philosophical reading. Oh well. I'll return to history soon hopefully. I've already begun to return to it a little bit by reading so much about politics and violence. But history proper awaits.